[NeonAges]

Join me as I explore this interesting occurance.

WARNING: This article is presented in Apok's SUPER-Long and Detailed Style, specifically the 4 A.M. Psychosis variety. It is highly recommended that you print out and take to the bathroom, or reserve a block of time for reading.

Also, initial shock of verbosity upon loading of the article may send users of weaker constitutions into shock or seizure. If you don't like to read, go steal some food.



Trust me.

Any college student living with a roommate in a dorm scenario has undoubtedly received visits from The Fridge Filcher and his assistant The Pantry Pilferer. Perhaps you’ve been the one feeling peckish, and upon traipsing into the kitchen, find nothing but the dusty outline of where your chips and salsa used to reside. Or maybe you are the one who’s commissioned the thief, taking some of the boon for yourself, and bearing none of the guilt on your shoulder. Then again, you could be part of the team itself! Wiping the sweat from your brow as you process complex calculations in your head as to whether or not the victim will notice one more vanishing egg. In any situation, it has been long accepted that people thieve edibles from each other because they have none. Or they can’t get around. Or they haven’t gotten their paycheck yet- and they’re too afraid to ask, thinking they can replace it later without you noticing. But the sinister reality is—food just tastes better when you know it’s not yours.

Consider the evidence. Undeniable truths that bring forth unfavorable knowledge; FACT, rather! Think back to the classic play—Les Misérables. Jean thieves a piece of bread “to feed his starving children”, and is sent to jail. Poppycock, I say! France is a relatively water-based country- Lo, it even runs through their cities! Bread may not be free, but a stick is! Tug at that loose thread, and fashion yourself a hook—Voila! You have the ability to fish! Or if you want something more direct, simply sharpen the stick, and skewer some food. I doubt that the vehement Nazi’s would not allow for such extraction of marine-life so long as you aren’t slapping posters of the Fuhrer with your newly captured chummy chum. Rather, it is my belief that Jean desired both the physical and spiritual sustenance granted from stolen provisions.

It does not have to be an exquisite lift- much like any meal, the gratification derived is not always defined by the portion or the quality. A good thief does not always pull satisfaction from worth of an item, but rather, its value. An egg can be just as filling, in both respects, as a 3 course meal—it all just depends on how bad you want it. And if what you want, what you crave, is nothing more than a pop-tart, it’s not going to take more than that to satisfy your hungers.

Because as saccharin in nature as petty theft is in terms of adrenaline rush, it is still that—a rush. It’s why shoplifting is almost a sport, and why prohibition was a disaster. Hell, if they could bottle that feeling, it’d be my favorite condiment. The added thrill of doing something you’re not supposed to be is enough to pull any hungry man over the edge. Your modern instincts drive you to the kitchen, and you groggily swipe at the refrigerator handle, scanning. You find nothing to which you can call your own, but right there in front of you is a succulent tangerine.

A veritable grain of sand amongst the beach of cooled groceries. There, amidst all of his brethren, a near full bag. Nay, they are but clones-- no one would miss just this one. It would be almost wrong of you not to take it. Hell, it’s quite possible that he would be overlooked and thrown-away! And then what? It would be a waste! Better for you to take it. You’ll be doing the world a favor. Imagine what could have been if you had not intervened. What could have been, if not for you? You! Savior of spoiled harvest! Patron saint of perished produce! Celestial champion of unclaimed crop! GOD OF FORGOTTEN FRUIT! “We are thankful for your interference!”- The tangerine would say, if it could. “Go forth, and bask. Bask in my juicy goodness as you tear ravenously into my fleshy innards, and let my essence runneth over from thine mouth and into your very soul.”

It’s this sort of self-spoken dialog that is presented to us by that voice. That voice inside us that wants to eat, but more—wants us to experience the complete indemnification… the utter serenity… the religious event that is… theft.

Do you disagree? Consider the other extreme.

If you were to go to a restaurant, per se, and the prices are unbearable. However, you are hungry and you have no where else to go- it is late in the day, and your options are slimming with every passing hour. You sit to eat, and you proceed to turn the proverbial cheek as you bend over and take it in the end with a smile. After all, you wouldn’t want your date to think you weren’t having a good time. The meal ends, but you still feel unfulfilled. Why? Because you’ve been robbed.

Why do you think fast food is so inexpensive? It’s so that you have no desire to steal it! The quality is poor, yes, but the swallowable cost is there merely as a disguise. A veneer, so that when that feeling of unfulfillment returns once you have left the psychological fun house that is the inside of a junk joint, what with every angle of it preconceived to make you believe you are hungry, then satisfied, then eager to leave from the moment you enter- you do not become enraged at the thought of being bamboozled, hornswoggled, or flimflammed. And ultimately, so you will eat there again.

It’s our desire as a people wandering in a culture of marketing, business, and economics to find the very best deal. Even Jesus was able to make a bunch of fish from bread, why can’t we? And as it is almost a Darwinin quality needed to survive, it is now ingrained to us from birth. We are rejected the toy of our dreams, why? Because it costs too much. And thus, begins the notion and the journey to find the method- the series of events that will lead us to our goal. The perfect equation: The maximum output with the minimal amount of money, time, and effort.

Consider what we strive for, our dreams: Cold fusion. Free energy. Instant education. Toilet paper that cleans completely on the first wipe.

Ah! The quest for the bargain of all bargains is borne! And it is here, in America, where we have become some of the most cunning in the universe that we have also become some of the most easy to fool. McDonalds, Burger Kings, Pizza Huts on every street corner. The desire to feast from the reapings of another is one of the most base of wants. The truth is, it’s part of the reason why the buffet was created.

Think about it. Only in America, does the idea of gorging oneself to the point of intoxication seem appealing. Why? Because, it’s such a good deal! These guys are getting robbed! How do they even manage to stay in business? No matter… we will say none of this. Rather, we keep the giggling confined to our head, put on the sly grin, and appear to be hesitant in our purchase before “giving in”. We don’t want to let them know we’ve found the glitch in their system. Then, when they’re not looking- the mounds of food onto plates, the shoving of forks to the back of the mouth, and the inconspicuous unaccompanied and timed visits to the bathroom begin. And we haven’t even talked about the Ziploc bag smuggling.

We’ve been figured out! But it’s really no surprise. It’s not as if they had to peer profoundly into us to find out. Even in the Commandments does it state- "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife" and "Thou shalt not steal." And we can’t forget the biggie—“Thou shalt have no other gods before me,” otherwise they might have found a God who liked and truly understood the enlightenment derived from stealing food from others.

It’s it an amazingly primitive attachment. Make no mistake, there is a reason for obesity. And it is not to be found in disease, or otherwise. Noooo. It lies far deeper than that. Since man first rose onto two legs and left behind a world of quadrupedia, he was able to rely on three things. Three things amongst the wild deadly animals and the fearsome elements. Pets. Women. Food. And since the former two can both be equally traitorous and frustrating in modern time, it is of no surprise that we have found such an indulgence and forged such dependence in our edibles. After all, what else is there to count on anymore?

Not very much. I can count on my roommates though. I can count on them to have food. And I can count on that satisfaction. I have seldom felt greater than getting back to my room with a full glass of milk. Especially when I don’t currently own any. And I have rarely felt the rush that comes with taking out 5 other gallons of milk, and pouring a finger from each into my glass, hoping no one will come in as I do my dirty deeds. I’m sure it’s the same feeling they get when they look over their shoulders while they cook up my last Clam Chowder. Or chug my orange juice. Or spend the night having a torrid love affair with my ice cream. (But it’s okay, they’ll always just be catching up to me.)

Because after all, food tastes better when you know it’s not yours.

~Apokalyptik

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